2008 was a year of turning, change, and new hope. At that time, life as I knew it was up in the air. My electrical career was severely crippled by economic woes. I had spent more time laid off in the past year and a half than I had working. As a man, it greatly affected me to know that I could not provide for my wife. I wrestled with what to do. My current job was only to last for a few months. After that, the outlook was bleak. As I struggled with the thought of financial trials and all that these trials would bring, I began asking God a question.
What do you want me to do?
A simple question. If God has all the answers, then why not turn to him? If God is all knowing, then surely he knows the best course, right?
I can't keep doing this. We'll be broke and I can't provide for my wife. Have I not always done what you asked, even if it meant that I would be hurt? Isn't it time for more? Isn't it time?
I began to search out my passion in life. I really desired to work as a youth pastor. I absolutely loved students. I absolutely loved God. A win, win! I began to send out resumes to various groups hoping for a nibble. After some effort, tears, and much prayer, I was accepted into a pastors in training program. In fact, both my wife and I were.
This is it God.
This was the chance that I had been looking for. Longing for. Dreaming of for over 10 years.
What do you want me to do God?
"Go."
This meant exchanging everything I knew for a world of uncertainty, but also possibilities. I was leaving a stale world for a fresh, new world. In all honesty, I didn't need that much of a push to go!
We packed up our lives, put our house on the market, and moved across the country to Southern California. This was a great sacrifice for us. Very scary in some ways. Okay, many ways. We were traveling across the country to a place we had no idea what it was like, to be with people that we had no idea who they were, and to enter a time of our lives that we didn't know what would happen, and with the knowledge that we needed to find new jobs to help us live. We were leaving behind everything we knew for the unknown.
It was more than we could have dreamed for. I was part of some amazing experiences. I met some of the greatest people. I was stretched, taught, and got to experience a season of life changing moments. On top of that, I got to spend time living in an absolutely beautiful part of the country! As a nature lover, I instantly fell in love with the mountains and coast lines of Southern California.
It was here that I really began to hear God speaking clearly. I had heard him speak many, many times before, but here it was different. As I put myself out on a limb, or at times over the edge of a cliff, I began to experience a new depth with my Creator.
His voice was loud, frequent, and passionate. And I understood it.
The sacrifice of moving away from everything we knew to meet the unknown had worked. A new depth had been opened up to me. Life wasn't easy, but I was a part of something good. As a staff, we had unity. as a married couple we experienced more of two lives becoming one, and as a man I found acceptance in who God had designed me to be.
God, this is it!
When God spoke to me and told us to go, to leave this dream, it was a major gut check.
But God, did I give up everything to just leave?
"Go."
I can't just leave this unfinished. There's so much to do. What about the kids? What about the ministry? What about our friends?
"Go."
What do you want from me? I didn't quite get it. We gave up everything to get here, and now I knew it was time to go. But why did we do this? What was the point? Why do all this to just leave? Why all this sacrifice, if it ends up for nothing? Didn't we do everything God asked?
I knew that this was what we needed to do.
On one fateful day, we packed up our whole lives in the back of my truck and a small trailer. We had to sell much of what we owned in order to be able to move back to the mid-west. Our cash flow was severely limited. I had just enough to get across the country and maybe a weeks worth more. Neither of us had a job lined up. In fact, we didn't have a place of our own to live. It felt like we were newly married, starting over.
There's such a humility in seeing your entire life in the back of a truck.
There's also a major gut check in knowing that you don't know what you will do once you get back. All I had was one interview lined up once I got back. If that didn't work out, then what?
You said "go" so I am. You've helped us all the way through this, so I'm trusting you. I'm scared, but I'm trusting. Please help us...
As we drove back through the country, it was such a scary feeling to watch all the money that you had in the world get eaten up. We held on to each other dearly. Sometimes literally! Do you know the joys of 3 dogs and 2 adults sleeping in a Saturn Ion?
Once back in the mid-west, I had my interview. I had a peace about things. I trusted that God was doing something bigger than I could imagine. Long story short , I found myself headed into a new ministry position. This time I didn't have to work as an electrician! I was on staff full-time!
In all my previous years as a volunteer and even in California, I was not able to fully delve into my passion. I always had another career to look after, another "something" to divide my attention. But now...this was different. It was my job to dive into the thick of things.
God, this is it! All this sacrifice has led here! Finally, the sacrifice has paid off!
I would often look back on the difficulties that we endured to get to this place in life. I would often thank God for my opportunity (and the fact that I didn't have to work outside in -0 degrees wind chill anymore!).
I have to admit that after the struggles as an youth volunteer/laid off electrician and pastor in training, I really felt like I was on the edge of something wonderful. I dove into my new position with vigor. I put my all into it. I left nothing out. My wife did the same. I had never experienced so much joy working with the kids. I truly loved them as much as I could.
The job did come with its own issues and struggles. I was the new guy. There was a history. There were politics and people stirring up trouble, but "God, you'll protect us right? If I'm doing everything you tell me to, things will work out, right?" Famous last words!
There's a fine line between dream and nightmare. And I found it!
Papa, if I'm hearing you correctly, then why is this happening? What am I supposed to do? Do I quit? I love these kids!
I spent many nights simply praying my heart out for answers. Heart wrenching, knocked to my knees prayer. Never have I been so distraught and lost for answers.
What do you want me to do Papa?! Speak to me! Why won't you speak to me?!
It was during this time that, for the first time in my Christian faith, I couldn't hear God's response. He held his tongue. I continued to poor out my heart to him along with my wife. In this subject, he remained completely silent. I heard him speak about many other things during this time, but in this....nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I finally came to a breaking point. After a year and a half of working with (and sharing life with) some great (and not so great) people, I made the choice to step down. It wasn't him telling me "go" this time. For the first time, he wasn't telling me anything. I had to make the choice.
Why Papa, why? What did I do?
Tears. Pain. Scars.
Why won't you speak to me about this? Why can you tell me about everything else, but this? Why won't you talk to me? Haven't I done enough? Haven't I suffered enough? Hasn't my wife suffered enough? What do you want from me? Haven't I sacrificed enough?!
...
Sigh...
"I'm proud of you." A whisper...
"What..." Did I get that right? I know that I didn't fail Father. I did everything you asked of me. I tried my best.
"I'm proud of you. "
A flood of emotions and thoughts hit me. After this go around, I was left bare naked before God, stripped of everything I held dear. I had never been that low in life before. I had never known pain, frustration, humility, and deprivation like that before. And this was all because I had followed what God had told me to do! Did I miss something??
Saying good-bye to the students was the most intense situation that I had been in. I loved those kids more than I could have imagined for only being there a year and a half. I may have been just some guy to them, but to me, they were my brothers and sisters, my kids. Those two nights flew by. I was numb at the time. The real pain and frustration didn't kick in until later when it all really began to sink in.
Not only was I saying good-bye to those I loved, but I was also saying good-bye to my dream. My dream! My passion! My life!
What do you want from me?!
This question had been a constant one of mine for years. I had asked it when I was hopeful. I had asked it when I was scared. I had asked it when I was broken. Every sacrifice I had made led to another sacrifice, which led to another sacrifice. Every sacrifice ended with the same result. A death of me. Where was the reward?
This is when I heard God speak very clearly, very vividly.
What I learned of sacrifice was that I knew nothing about it.
What sacrifice really is, is your death. It is the dying to self. It is the releasing of you and the receiving of Christ. Its dying so that you can live.
Galatians 2:20 puts it wonderfully: "I have been crucified with Christ, and I live; yet no longer I, but Christ lives in me. And that life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith toward the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself on my behalf."
For a Christian, sacrifice is the dying of yourself. Sacrifice is death. Christ modeled this perfectly. It isn't about us. It's not about what we give up. It's not what we leave behind. It's not about how daring or brave we were.
Sacrifice would mean nothing if it didn't lead to a resurrection. It isn't about us anymore than Christ's sacrifice was about restoring a physical, mortal body.
We tend to stop there and focus on that, but is that really what he wanted to do? Did he want us to focus so much on the physical aspect of his death? Was it his goal to have us celebrate his sacrifice by hanging pictures of his death on the wall, by carrying around a crucifix to remember his torture, maybe throw up a bumper sticker about turn or burn, or even once a year attend a service totally dedicated to his last days? Seems all too trivial.
"Life on earth will end for all conceived
And prove to be only a breath
A mist, a womb for what's to come.
How soon forever arrives."
-Flyleaf "Breaks Your Knees"
Christ was resurrected by the power of God, a spirit. Physically impossible. Intangibly tangible. What was resurrected was 100% that of the Father. The physical became enthralled with the ethereal. The mortal became entwined with the eternal (outside of knowing time).
As having faith in Christ, we share this same unity, this bond, this blood tie.
2 Corinthians 1:9, 10 "But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, so that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; Who delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver; in whom we trust that he will yet deliver us,"
Paul wrestled greatly with death. His focus wasn't on his physical sacrifice though, was it? It was on the "God who raises the dead." Why?
What God resurrects is of God. When Christ was resurrected, Christ pointed to the Father and the Father to Christ. When we sacrifice, it isn't so that we may boast of us. It is so that we may die. What rises out of the dust is of Christ. It isn't about us!
What many of us tend to do is simply sit at the death bed. We don't actually die. We just play with the thought of what it means. We focus on the physical while alluding to the spiritual.
"I gave up..." "I did..." "I didn't do..."
If it isn't Christ raising you up, then did you really die? Did you really sacrifice or are you merely toying with the idea that you sacrificed? Christ focused on the Father for his sacrifice. Where's your focus?
My question led me through the country, into my dreams, and through my very core. The answer left me changed.
What do you want me to do God?
"Die to self so that I can see my Son."
